When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
