i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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