I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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