why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
