You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
