I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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