took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
