I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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