Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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