i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
