yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
