yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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