I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
