Soap is not a condiment
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
