you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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