dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
