She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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