I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
