If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
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