i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
