im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
