Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
