Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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