Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
