I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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