Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
be right there i have to get my cape
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
