Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think my mom watched the whole time
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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