everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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