just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think my vagina is haunted
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
