You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
