i just sent this text using only my big toe
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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