Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
