Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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