So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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