we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is Oprah even human
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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