I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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