After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
