I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
