if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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