So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
