MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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