i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
