Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize