Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
