Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
