sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
