i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
