I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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