My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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