I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Randomize
