I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize