did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
