My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
