Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
