i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
