I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
