allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
