did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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