You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
