how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
