She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
