Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
