So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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